My Plan to Take Over…Er…Travel the World

Let me start by prefacing that I have no idea how I will achieve this because I neither have the time nor the means to accomplish such a feat. My plan is to travel to all 192 United Nations Member States and various dependent areas (i.e. Greenland). I will spend up to a month in each nation. The larger and more “friendly” nations will be given the full allotted time, while trips to the smaller and less “friendly” nations will be shorter. I estimate a month because it is enough time to visit most of the country, to get used to its culture and for you to decide whether you want to come back or not. Some counties won’t require a full month because of their size and political situation. Like the Boy Scouts of America taught me…Safety First. I will be joined on this journey with my wife, because she wants to see the world as well. I couldn’t have picked a better partner/person to share this with (all together now…AAWWWWW). She doesn’t have much say in where we go or how long we stay there seeing how this is my dream and my blog. Anyways…if I spend 1 month in half of the 192 major countries and 2 weeks in the other half and another year for the various dependent areas, then the trip would take approximately 13 years.

My plan of attack is to invade Central and South America. We will then cross the Pacific and descend upon New Zealand and Australia. Next we’ll head north through Oceania and into Southeast Asia deploying the strategy of island-hopping. We will then faint westward into India and when you least expect it switch back east and trek across China. With a hop, skip and a jump we’ll cover Taiwan, South Korea and Japan, but we’ll skip North Korea unless something drastic happens with their political situation. Learning from history we’ll try a different tactic with Russia—we’ll invade from the East instead of the West… MWAHAHAHA!!! Unfortunately we’ll run into the Ural Mountains which will force us south into the Stans. As we move south into the Middle East we’ll apply copious amounts of sun-screen to be able to survive the onslaught of concentrated sun rays. We will exit the Middle East through Yemen and enter Africa through Djibouti rather than Egypt. Next we will head south, zigzagging down the east coast and then pulling a 180, we’ll head north zigzagging through the western portion of southern Africa. We’ll then power-slide through West Africa heading towards Egypt. We’ll continue along the Mediterranean through Jordan and Israel and ending up in Turkey. We’ll continue our assault on Russia by coming from the south through Georgia and Azerbaijan. After we’ve dealt with Russia we’ll take care of its former buffer states in Eastern Europe by swooping in on Ukraine and Romania on our way towards Greece. Then we’ll turn north, skirting Western Europe, and hitting Poland on the way to St. Petersburg. Once in St. Petersburg we’ll prepare to invade Finland, Sweden and Norway on skis. After conquering Scandinavia, we’ll drop down into Denmark and head south through the Fatherland (Deutschland). Unlike Hannibal we will successfully conquer the Alps en route to Italy. We’ll jump from the toe of the Boot onto Sicily and then Sardinia and Corsica. From there we will begin the easiest portion of our journey—conquering France. We’ll take southern France and allow the north to think they have diverted us into Spain, when in reality, we planned it all along. We’ll sweep through Spain and Portugal and then reenter France with a head of steam on our way to Paris. After marching on Paris and eating some croissants we’ll take the convenient Chunnel into England. Then we’ll travel north through Wales and into Scotland, taking in all the lowlands and the highlands. We might even buy some kilts. Then we’ll take a ferry into Northern Ireland and then move on to Ireland. If all goes as planned it will be spring and we can make it safely into Iceland and then onto Greenland as if we were Erik the Red and the Vikings/Norsemen. Next we will move into Newfoundland and Labrador. Then we’ll trek across Canada (Eh) on our way to Alaska to visit everyone’s favorite moron Sarah Palin. Then we’ll drop down to Hawaii. Finally we’ll head back to the continental United States and pick up any stray states we haven’t been to.

That’s my plan to conquer/travel the world. Doesn’t sound too hard.

Next time: Part 1: Central and South America